A Waste Of Mind

Fire Cracker

Everything You Are Came From Somewhere Else...

It Depends On Where You Want It To Come From

Everything you are came from somewhere else. We are procreated by our parents, whom of which are also conceived by their parents, to which they were the offspring from their parents. Our body is made of matter, matter that can be recycled, the matter that shapes our appearance. Our mind is molded by the influences around us. Everything we see and know about ourselves now could be completely different, had we lived another life. Another life would include different friends, family, location, culture and religion. Before our first breath of air, the first time we embody the sunlight, and the first time we are seen without the use of an ultrasound; we were created by something immensely microscopic. Life began in the warmth and comfort of a womb. The opening nine months of our life we transform from a zygote to a human being. We grow physically in the womb. Before our birth we are entirely unaware of what was to become of us. When we leave the womb we grew mentally. Shortly after our debut into Earth's atmosphere we encounter, or begin to discover, the rules to which we must consummate: the standard regulations of life.
A number of these rules are written down in the bible. The bible is written for people to learn a religion which is somewhat of a doctrine, a guide book to follow. Some written regulations, or theology, are altered or completely different from one another, as there are many types of religions that stand present. It is the recipe of life which, if there are no missing or added ingredients, will direct us to the known end. After birth, your creators have the authority to which decrees you will follow by baptism, they may also choose not to baptize you at all.
Besides the protocol created and set by someone you have never met or seen; parents are the outmost ringleaders of law. They are authoritarians that have entrenched you with their own code of conducts. Growing up (I can't say that I am grown up, I won't be until my final moments before I die) you can always remember the 'Berlin Wall' made of rules your parents built. There was always a bed time, curfew, enrolment of unwanted sports or hobbies, how to dress, who your friends are, time to watch TV, time on computer. Altogether, what your parents presume is the proper way for you to be the paramount individual you can be. Throughout our parent's life, they have managed to concoct a homemade moonshine filled with advice that has been based on their past experiences. There are always going to be the lectures of 'this is what happened….and this is what I learned from it, you should too' that we may possibly listen to, or entirely zone out. Just pretend to listen and nod your head here and there, meanwhile you are actually just counting how long you can stare at the endless bustling of lips. (Once you blink remember how long your time was, you should blink spasmodically to give your eyes a rest and it also creates those watery eyes that show your parents that they are reaching you, then attempt to beat your last record.)
Everything you are came from somewhere else. This is quickly presumed true if we look at ourselves as how we dress, what material objects we own, and the inheritance of traits that determine the way we appear. The fact that, yet again, proves this idea to be accurate is the crystal clear truth that we are the offspring conceived by our parents. They made us. How we appear on the outside, in actuality, has come from somewhere else. Now, ignore all factory manufactured objects that this generation is obsessed and fascinated with. Ignore everything about our appearance. We need to focus on what is essential: Do I have any principles I follow? They are created from the mistakes or incidents made by people in the past, continually being modified to fabricate a perfect society. Do I have my own principle or am I listening to some one else's? Your own principles should reflect you. Not something that makes you unhappy or something you were forced think. In my opinion there are two kinds of principles: there are the ones that teach us the difference between the right's and wrong's in life and the ones that force us to do something we don't want to do or restrict us from ourselves. These regulations will be present until the end of time; I have no doubt about that. There is so much that is expected from us, there are plenty ideologies wound up in this society, we can't always be what someone else wants us to be. For century's human beings are constantly being reminded, taught and forced to think a certain way. We aren't born knowing the laws or the principles, someone has to tell us. These rules that are ambushed and enforced upon us are deemed by a foreign battalion. We either chose to follow the rules and learn from other peoples mistakes, or we can rebel and breathe this air (which is quite polluted I might add) they way we want to. There is no getting out of jail free card once you're dead. There is this saying my mom always told me, it goes something like this; "the smartest people around are the ones who learn from other people's mistakes, the dumb people don't" Unfortunately, no not unfortunately. Fortunately I was one of the dumb people.
From my birth, March 11th 1988, until present day, my whole existence seems to resemble just a flash of a camera. The picture that is developed shows my entire life; I'm not saying it was that dull, the picture of course would never be the same. It will always be changing. Why? It'll make sense in the end. I promise.
The young, first years of my life, I was back in elementary school and you could have considered me a child that was perfect. My parents, and other parents, I'm sure, had rules of the house. They were simple ethics about human etiquette and the general obligations of childhood. No feet on the table, finish your dinner, wash your hands, please and thank you's, don't fight or steal and never lie. I always listened to the rules set by my parents. It can be hypothetical for a young child, who loves and looks up to their parents every single moment of the day, to obey them. When you're that young and innocent all you care about is kid stuff. For me it was my beanie baby collection, and stealing my mom’s make-up. I was your grade A example of a "darling widdle angel". The turning point for me was when I moved to Springbank. I'm not going to be shy about this, I was different from everyone else. I began puberty at the age of 11, so I was a foot taller compared to my classmates. I also had this skin condition called Vitiligo. It wasn't anything major, it was just certain areas of my skin did not produce skin color. Those areas were left ivory white. There were patches of white under my chin, on my eyelids and knees. It was almost impossible to cover it up. My classmates were the most judgmental and mean people I have ever encountered in my life. Day in and day out I was attacked by verbal abuse, my reaction to this assault was just to keep everything inside. After time had passed you can imagine how low my self-esteem dropped and how out of place I felt. I just didn't fit the mold, the mold of the snotty, perfect and critical "Springbankers". They always looked for reasons to make them seem "cooler" than everyone else; the sad thing is they still do. What had I done wrong? I always followed the rules; there shouldn't have been any karma to sneak up on me. It was the disapproval of my acceptance into this new lifestyle that led me to the conclusion that following and executing the principles that were given to me in advice, do not always make you happy. I was broken.
It's funny how you think doing everything right your whole life, listening to advice, and actually learning these standards would reward you with a joyful life. Don't think that anymore, you just get played. My favorite musical artist, my inspiration, and my reassurance in rough times (if I was 6 or 7 years older than I am now, I would marry him in an instant) is Matthew Good. He wrote a book called, "At Last There Is Nothing Left To Say". Hidden away in the short-stories and activist style essays, Good writes, "The future is nothing more than what you think it should be. And the disappointing feature about that is it rarely becomes all you hoped it would." My future didn't, I needed to change. Matthew Good is completely right, nothing ever happens the way you want it to. So, in anger with my self, I began to drink alcohol in grade 7. It was a horrible solution but it always able to take my mind off the ideas or happenings that have been eating away at my stomach and tearing me up from the inside - out. I started sneaking out of the house to get drunk all the time. I would take the screen out of my window and crawl through it and run as fast as I could away from the house. You didn't want to get caught because you'd have to deal with sleeping outside or playing the stare at lip game. I started to lie to my mom about where I was going all the time and what I was doing. She new I was too, but no I always told her complete lies. I never used to lie at all. I was just lost and wanted to be found. I abandoned every ideology that was ever taught to me and as each ideology consecutively begun to brake apart, I was beginning to see life from a new perspective. The old ways of doing things were gone. I didn't want to listen to what people had learned about their life, they live a different one than I do. Through this process of breaking this doctrine, some people may call it a sin, I was learning new things about myself and the others that inhabited in the community. I was becoming more knowledgeable about the past me and using it towards meeting the new me. I was only able to discover myself if I cleansed myself from ideologies that have been pumped into my brain. After I rid myself of this rules there were often good or bad results, but I learned from everything. To ignore the past is to prolong its mistakes. My past consisted of believing and relying on the principles that I thought was the answer to everything. In my case, they weren't..
The principles that I thought were all gone, until? There are still a few remaining in my mind. They continue to stay there because it made me feel save. The remaining principles inscribed in my head and it's hard to get over. They, my principles) were soon squashed with my low self-confidence and the intense peer pressure of high school. High school is where you get to meet entirely different people from middle school, they are older, more mature and you obviously look up to them. I looked up to the older grades; it's because they did not resemble or have anything to have in common with the characteristics of the students in my grade. There was no escaping their judgmental and spoiled rotten nature. I knew the older grades they would accept me, and good news they did. But, good news is always followed by bad news, no matter what and no matter how long it takes. There is a large amount of drug trafficking that goes through the school, and it was my new friends who were really into drugs. I gave in to the peer pressure, my frail wall off confidence collapsed. It felt like drugs took me away from everything. I became involved in heavy drugs, first it was pot, mostly cocaine and ecstasy. Cocaine is what devoured everything about me alive. Just one line is all it took and I was hooked. Everyday I spent 60 dollars for a gram to myself, shortly after my savings were all gone. I started stealing money from my parents and brothers, sneaking around always looking for chump change so I could satisfy my addiction. I had lost around 30 pounds weighing a mere 75 pounds. The addiction drove me to the lowest point of my life. I hated my self when I didn't have any, when I finally got some , I took some and after the 10 minute high, I would begin to come down and I hated my self even more. My family couldn't handle me, I would just fight with them and steal. I was out of control, out of hope and living a life whish had resulted from my decisions. These are the decisions that have made me the person with the principles I have today.
Thankfully, I came out of the hole that was so close to caving in on me. I am one of the few lucky people to get up out of the hole and get back on top of my life. The time it took for my withdrawals to slowly diminish, was the same time it took me to realize it was a good thing to go through a rough patch. It changed my life for the better. To hear someone or read about what you shouldn't do or should do through there knowledge of the past is not worth consideration. No body will ever feel how I did or go went I through because every human being reacts differently. I feel stronger, confident and happier without my forced past principles. Everything I experienced over these few years I never want to forget. Every single moment is an ingredient to my own recipe for life. The recipe for life is as followed:
1 cup of self confidence
1 cup of commitment
1/2 cup responsibility (for yourself and others)
1/2 cup honesty
2 cups of the real you (don't be something your not)
1/3 cup setting goals and working for them
2 cups do not regret anything
1 cup talk care of your self before others
5 cups don't ever settle for less than best
4 cups of don't be afraid of change
10 cups for knowing your family is always there for you
5 cups for realizing the rules your parents made, they thought were the best for you
4 cups of knowing the difference between right and wrong

Blend all of these ingredients together and what you have is my principles. They are just for me, decided by me and have been working for me.

Life is too short to be told what to do; always do things to make you happy, I'll say this again, never settle for second best, you always know you can do better. That's the way you have to be. I became, or transformed into who I am now by breaking down to an all time low and throwing away my life along with the principles that were forced for me to abide. The low moment in my life is almost parallel to King Lear's moment it the storm when he realizes he's cracked. Both King Lear and I endured extreme changes. I have learned and recognized my important standard and re-learned olds ones with a much better understanding.
Everything you are came from somewhere else. This time it came from actions that will forever affect the rest of my life. It's a shock to look back and see how much I changed. In the beginning I was convinced that the principles forced on me controlled how I reacted to any kind of stimuli, and how motivated I was(which was nonexistent) and the way it made me feel about myself. Trapped. I fell into a deep hole believing what was not the answer for me. This hole was on the brink of collapsing. My body was deteriorated, my hair was falling out, my skin was white, my face broke up into sores and I spent months going on without sleep. I managed to work up the courage crawl out and take time for myself to iron out the wrinkles and work out the knots. And the fact that I was able to quit the most addictive drug without any help, reassured me of some sign of confidence left I me. The way to live your life is up to you, it belongs to you. You should be able to rely on your own principles, not someone else's. For me a religion is just another way to have your principles forced on you, when you break them you can be forgiven anyways. That means no matter how many times you disobey God's principles you still get forgiven. All you need to know is the difference between right and wrong. Live your days discovering your self and new ideas without ideologies from others, you can't very well have principles chaining you down from your true self. The change I made for myself was to refuse to rely on those principles that had been taught to me when I was younger. That gave me the chance to see myself without the influence from someone else or principles that did not work for me. The first time I felt as if there was no control over me or my actions is when I started painting again. It was just me and a blank canvas, a tool I used to vent all my frustrations and sorrows into. For the longest time I was unable to see me, but this time I was reunited with myself. I didn't have to please anyone; I did what made me happy. I became independent and now can rely on my own conscious to remind me of the principles I learned on my own. According my mother's statement, I seem to be deemed as a dumb person. Yet this makes no sense, this person experienced the event to which he or she connected with and learned from. The way I see it is that the dumb person encounters these mistakes and is able to react and solve them on their own. Where as the smart person only hears the story from the dumb person's point of view and would experience no connection what so ever. How can someone learn from that? I can say I am a person of principles, but not by same the principles others may have or have told me about them. I know my own self better than anyone else. I know my picture of my life will always be changing; my life is not done yet. I have so much left to do to be able to say that I lived. I don't want to miss out on anything, nobody should. There is only one chance you've got with life, make the most of it. Don't have anyone put a damper on you with their own principles, stay true to yourself. There is yet to be new discoveries about your self everyday, sometimes there seems to be no explanation why you never knew something about your self before. You can't discover anything without taking a journey. Then again, not all things are as easily explained as DVD instructions. Your life is waiting, mine is too, but it will only go with you if you're honest to yourself and stay true. Once you're life is gone…you can't hitch hike back. It's only a one way trip. Go! Live your life outside the life you know.

"And you wonder why no one knows who they are anymore" - Matthew Good

Man Shot

Some of my friends, well I should say most of them are idiots. Who in their right mind would do this?

Only Trev.

Edit: the sound is a bit off, but you'll get the jist of it.

Random Photo Post

Summer time.

Cheers.

About Death

There is this feeling I get in the back of my throat and in the pitt of my stomach whenever I see a dead animal. I always wonder what kind of life they lived; were they happy? struggling? sad? You never can tell by just looking at their rotting body. There is nothing left; no sign of any life, no emotions, no sound. Dead.

What really happens when something dies? I mean it seems like they are still there, their spirit still in that body but no movement. It's like the body was just used as a vessel of life until the soul was no longer interested in it. Maybe I'm just talking straight bullshit.

I'd like to give a thanks to Boo. Thanks for bringing this bird on my deck. I tried to move it....I couldn't do it. I grabbed a shovel and attempted to scoop it up, but when doing so the bird head moved, almost like it was still alive. My body instantly froze up. So my second choice was grabbing a cardboard box and coverin the bird's body until someone can remove it for me. I actually feel really bad just leaving it there. Leaving it to be picked at by distugsting flies. I'm sorry, when I get someone to move it I'll bury him somewhere far away. And make sure Boo doesn't dig it up.

bye.

Bedroom Floor

Last night.....oh man, last night was a night that ranged from extreme fun to horrible. So I bought a twelve pack of Kokanee Gold and probably gobbled down 7 of them. I don't really know for sure, but what I do know is that there are bottles everywhere. So at this point in time, I was pretty intoxicated. I then decide to smoke a little pot, but my plan of smoking a little turned into me and Dan smoking a huge fatty. So I was pretty drunk then I got pretty fucking high......while I was sitting outside my head starts to spin and my eyes start to close. But, you can't close your eyes because it makes the spinning worse, so I go and lay down on my bed. Boo is already passed out. She likes to tip over beer bottles and drink whatever is left in them. Anyways, back to my story, while lying on the bed I had the urge to vomit, so I race to my bathroom. I never ever puke on the floor, for some reason I always make it to my bathroom or a garbage can. So I throw my face into the depths of my toilette and await the heaving and splatting. I continue to wait, but nothing comes up. I was also so comfortable sitting on my knees, face in the toilette, I was seriously contemplating passing out like that. Fortunatly, Dan was there to save the day, he carried me back to my bedroom and flopped me on my bed. The motion of being carried just made me worse, so I roll off my bed, grab the garbage can and dry heave like there was no tomorrow. To make a long story short...I woke up this morning on the floor next to my bed, hugging the garbage can and Boo licking my ears. That was the worst way to wake up.